Wrath of the Tuna Queen

(The scene opens with two spotlights slowly lighting up the stage to reveal the basic layout of a supermarket - an aisle is formed by two long blocks representing shelves running from upstage to downstage; there is some food on the shelves, mainly tinned tuna, but it’s fairly sparse. Upstage, there is either a throne or an elaborate shopping trolley, whichever we decide we prefer. There’s also a table and chair set up for Intercom later. It’s eerily quiet for a few moments - maybe the sound of dripping water can be heard, or scurrying mice etc. - basically making a creepy atmosphere. After a few moments, a voice is heard offstage.)

KID 1 (O.S.)

Come on, it’s this way!

KID 2 (O.S.)

(scared)

Are you sure this is safe?

KID 1 (O.S.)

Of course it is, we’re nearly there.

(KID 1 and KID 2 enter - maybe from the back of the theatre - both dressed in modern clothing Kid 1 hurries along the aisles to get to the front, while Kid 2 is much more hesitant. The first few lines are said as they approach the stage, and the scene continues once they’re on it.)

KID 1

Wow! Look at this place! It’s amazing!

KID 2

If you say so.

KID 1

This place must be ancient! What do you think it is?

KID 2

I don’t know… maybe a gothic church?

KID 1

I don’t think so.

KID 2

A converted theatre?

KID 1

No, definitely not. Let’s have a look around.

(The two kids start to look around the supermarket, ending up between the two shelves. They start to inspect them before eventually Kid 1 stumbles upon one of the tins of tuna and picks it up.)

KID 1 (CONT.)

Hey! Look what I found! (struggling to read) Tinned… tuna… what’s that?

KID 2

Tinned tuna? Oh my god…

KID 1

What?

KID 2

Tinned tuna used to be a type of food. Which means… this is a supermarket.

KID 1

(clearly no idea what that is)

Oh, yeah… a supermarket…

KID 2

Do you ever pay attention in class? A supermarket was where people used to buy food before they invented nutrient pills. This place was probably built hundreds of years BCE.

KID 1

BCE? You mean...

KID 2

Before the Crisis Event, yes. They say the supermarkets were all that was left after the Event. People went mad inside them, all trying to seize power.

KID 1

Like the Tuna Queen?

KID 2

...Exactly. 

KID 1

Whoa… well, let’s keep looking! First one to find a skeleton wins!

KID 2

Hey! I don’t think that’s a good idea.

KID 1

Aww, you scared?

(Clearly, Kid 2 is very scared. There’s an uncomfortable pause as Kid 1 realises this.)

KID 1 (CONT.)

Hey, it’s okay. I’m right here. We’ll be okay.

(Kid 1 touches Kid 2’s shoulder tenderly - is it friendship? Is it romance? Who knows? Kid 2 looks at the hand on their shoulder and smiles.)

KID 2

Okay.

(Kid 1 smiles, retracts their hand, and the two begin to walk off the stage together to look around more.)

KID 1

Let’s hope the Tuna Queen doesn’t get us.

KID 2

Shut up!

KID 1

Sorry.

(Exit Kid 1 and Kid 2. Suddenly, the stage becomes brightly lit. The GUARD enters, dragging along MARY with them. The guard is dressed in military-esque gear - really over the top and extra, some kind of references to tuna or fish, tin-foil weapons. Whoever’s in charge of costume, have a field day. Mary is dressed much more conservatively - a baker’s apron, shirt, trousers. Some aspect of her outfit should be tartan, possibly the apron? Whichever part it is, it should be covered in pictures of tarts because we love a pun, as you will soon discover. She looks worse for wear, and has clearly been tortured and abused while in captivity. Tin-foil chains bind her wrists and ankles. She’s also carrying an enormous pie, which she holds throughout the whole scene. She hardly puts up a fight as she’s dragged onstage, in-between the two shelves.)

MARY

Where am I?

GUARD

Shut it! You know what you’ve done.

MARY

Something smells fishy here…

GUARD

Well, where do you think you are? This is the fish aisle.

MARY

Oh… so this is Elizabeth’s doing.

GUARD

That’s Her Mackerelcy to you.

(All puns are subject to improvement - that was the best me and my flatmates could think of. Suddenly, INTERCOM walks on dressed in black, separate from the rest of the cast, and sits down at the table in the corner as if in a different room. They lean towards the microphone which is on the table and begins to speak. As the next sentence is read in the classic nasal voice that people who speak over supermarket intercoms always seem to have, the actors onstage should react as if its coming through the intercom system.)

INTERCOM

Bing bong - can Queen Elizabeth Tuna I come to aisle 6 please? Queen Elizabeth Tuna I to aisle 6? Thank you.

GUARD

Here she comes! May cod have mercy on your sole!

(Fanfare? Some kind of fish related song? Or just generic supermarket music if that’s a thing? From offstage, chants of people yelling ‘FISH’ over and over again begins to be heard, getting louder and louder. QUEEN ELIZABETH, the titular Tuna Queen, is pushed onstage in a shopping trolley by her STEWARD. Behind her, the Elizabeth’s MOB storms onstage, continually yelling ‘FISH’, assembling in two groups, one on stage left and one on stage right, leaving the central aisle clear. They start banging on tables and stomping etc. as Elizabeth is rolled into position by the stewards. The steward flanks Elizabeth on either side, standing guard. The two guards turn Mary round so that she is now facing the Queen. The racket continues for a few moments.)

ELIZABETH

(hysterically)

SILENCE!

(Immediately, the noise ceases. Everyone related to the fish aisle should be dressed as extra as possible - Elizabeth is wearing fishnet stockings and some kind of royal gown, as well as a cape (made out of shopping bags?), with a sceptre and a crown. Lots of fish related items please. The angry mob could be carrying fishing nets instead of tridents etc.?)

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

This shoal is now in session. Before we get down to the main order of business, please remind the shoal of the minutes from our last meeting, steward.

(The Steward steps forward and unfurls a large scroll, which they then begin to read.)

STEWARD

Yes, my Queen. First, we discussed the ongoing cold war in the frozen section.

ELIZABETH

Well, has there been any update from the leaders there?

STEWARD

No, Your Mackerelcy, they seem to be giving us the cold shoulder. Then, news was brought from the kingdom of fruit and veg. Since our last meeting, there have been no new deliveries brought to them.

ELIZABETH
So the potato famine continues. Well, that’s their problem, not ours. What next?

STEWARD

We finished by discussing the tensions which have been rising amongst the cohorts who live in the bakery, riled up by their young Queen, Mary.

ELIZABETH

Which brings us to our first matter today. Bring her forward.

(The steward steps back into place. The guard does as she bids.)

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes? Just as you deserve, you treacherous little troutor.

MOB

(all at once)

TROUTOR! TROUTOR! TROUTOR!

(Elizabeth raises her hand, and instantly there is silence once again.)

MARY

Please, Elizabeth, I don’t understand-

ELIZABETH

(interrupting, addressing her shoal)

Here we have the young Queen herself, who, in order to steal my throne, has incited hatred against the Fish Queendom, riling up the bottomfeeders of the bakery she so crassly rules over to rebellion, and has even leaked state secrets to her crumby bakers’ dozen, the council of the bakery. They even say she’s a vegetarian.

(The steward, guard and the mob all gasp, horrified.)

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

Let it be known - I, Queen Elizabeth Tuna I, Queen of EngLidl, Ruler of the Fish Aisle, the Sturgeon Queen-

MARY

More like virgin.

ELIZABETH

DO NOT INTERRUPT ME! I, the Sturgeon Queen, will never tolerate treason, nor shall I ever bow down to the self-raising likes of the Queen of the Bakery. So, Mary, Queen of Scones, what do you have to say for yourself?

MARY

Your Mackerelcy, I promise you, I have nothing but love and respect for you and your shoal. I love fish! I’m not gillty, I swear, I even spelt that in my head G-I-L-L-T-Y to demonstrate my fealty!

ELIZABETH

And what of your vegetarianism?

MARY

Pescetarianism! I’m pescetarian, I eat fish all the time, in love of you!

ELIZABETH

A likely story. Love, respect, fealty? I’m rolling on the ocean floor with laughter. 

(One member of the Mob begins to laugh for a moment, but is cut off by a glare from Elizabeth.)

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

Steward!

(The steward steps forward.)

STEWARD

We have it on report that you, Mary, Queen of Scones, have been spreading hakeful propaganda against Her Roeyal Excellency, alleging that she is a shellfish, cruel leader unfit to preside over this supermarket. Moreover, there is much evidence to suggest that plans for a roebellion have been brewing for months now.

MARY

The same fish egg pun in one speech? Really?

STEWARD

(ignoring her)

What do you have to say to that?

MARY

These are fishious rumours, Elizabeth. I am a woman of my word - I am not seeking to usurp your throne. But I have heard word from the other leaders of the supermarket - the Queen Bee of the honey aisle, Her Grouse in the poultry section, even Queen Elsa of the frozen section.

ELIZABETH

(with a shocked gasp)

But she has been so frigid with me!

MARY

For a reason. Since the Crisis Event, we have had no deliveries, no ingredients, no way of sustaining ourselves, while your shoal and your whole Queendom thrives on the canned goods. We are starving, Your Mackerelcy. My people are suffering, while yours are flour-ishing. Sorry, force of habit.

ELIZABETH

You dare to critique my rule?

MARY
I would not dare. I am merely asking for your help, so that we may all prosper.

(Elizabeth scoffs. Everyone else in her shoal makes the same noise.)

ELIZABETH

The one thing that the Tuna Queen cannot tolerate, other than oysters-

(General murmur of agreement from the Mob - someone yells ‘FUCK OYSTERS’.)

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

-is a liar. Steward!

(The steward leaves his spot and exits. A moment later, he reappears, dragging along with him another Baker, MR KIPLING, wearing a plain apron and clothes. This Baker has also clearly been tortured - visible black eyes, a limp, fake blood, the works. The Mob begins to jeer and yell at the newcomer for a few moments.)

MARY

Oh, Mr Kipling! What have they done to you?

MR KIPLING

I’m sorry, Your Eggselency, it’s worse than we torte. They were going to batter Mrs Kipling, I had to.

MARY

All is forgiven, Mr Kipling, all is forgiven. It’s all in the past-ry.

ELIZABETH

I think not! Bring forth the tuna!

(The steward goes to grab a tin of tuna from a shelf and opens it. The Mob begins to chant ‘TUNA’ repeatedly as the guard spins Mary round to face the audience and holds her in position.)

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

Why, Mary, if you love fish so much, surely you’ll have some tuna? You’re a pescetarian, after all! Eat it.

(The guard holds her still as one of the stewards walks towards Mary and begins to try to force feed her the fish. Mary tries to fight, squirming against the strong grip of the guards. In the middle of the chaos, the intercom goes off again. Upon hearing the bing bong, everyone falls immediately silent and looks up.)

INTERCOM 

Bing bong - there’s been another brawl in aisle nine, I repeat, another brawl in aisle nine. Please can a member of management come to the liquor section. Thank you.

(Everyone looks at each other for a moment.)

MARY

Are you sure you don’t want to deal with that first?

ELIZABETH

Quite. EAT THE TUNA!

(The carnage resumes: the Mob chants of ‘TUNA’ begin again, the guard holds Mary tight and the steward tries once again to cram the tuna into her mouth. After a few moments of struggle, Mary jumps up, knocking the guard and the steward aside, followed by shocked gasps from the crowd.)

MARY

NEVER! I will never eat the tuna!

ELIZABETH

Why not?

MARY

Because I HATE TINNED TUNA!

(The room falls quiet. No one moves for a few seconds. During the next speech, all eyes are fixed on Mary who, despite her chains, holds herself proudly.)

MARY (CONT.)

There, I said it! I hate tinned tuna. I hate the texture, I hate the taste, I hate the packaging, I hate how slimy it is, I hate it with mayo and sweetcorn, I hate how popular it is with everyone, it’s disgusting! There are so many better fish options out there and you go for tinned tuna? Really? I just don’t understand. And I never will! I won’t be a prawn in your game anymore! Keep on forcing your terrible opinions onto everyone, Elizabeth, because you won’t be able to for long. Your reign of tet(y)ranny is over. 

ELIZABETH

Was that supposed to be a pun?

MARY

Tetra is a type of fish I promise. And guess what? I’m a FUCKING VEGAN!

(The Mob gasps again - some people faint from shock. All of a sudden there’s a huge uproar, everyone yelling at Mary and her yelling back for a few moments.)

ELIZABETH

SILENCE!

(Everyone falls silent.)

ELIZABETH

You, Mary, Queen of Scones, are an anemone of the state. You threaten the peace of our great supermarket, intend to depose me from my throne and send my shoal into ruin. As such, I have no choice but to sentence you to death.

STEWARD 1

My Fish Lady, you will make a mahi-mahirtyr of the Queen of Scones.

ELIZABETH

SILENCE! I don’t care! I want her dead! DEAD! I want her swimming with the fishes, and by that I mean I don’t want her alive in the Fish Queendom!

MARY

Elizabeth, please, it doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t you remember how we used to play shop when we were young? I’d bake cupcakes and you’d fillet salmon? We can still go back to those days. You’re my cousin, Lizzie, I love you - you’re the apple of my pie!

(As she says this, she holds out the pie that she has been holding onto this entire time as a peace offering.)

MARY (CONT.)

 We can rule this supermarket side by side, a family reunited! We need to stick together. What do you say?

ELIZABETH

(pretending to be moved at first)

Mary… I don’t know what to say… your words have touched me in a way I’ve never been touched before… but those days are prehistoric. Cousins we may once have been, but now… cousins we CAVIAR NOT. BRING FORTH THE TUNA! And can someone take that pie it looks delicious...

(The Mob cheers again going wild at the prospect of Mary’s imminent death. The steward leaves the stage and come back with a tin of tuna in each hand. Despite her bleak circumstances, Mary stands dignified in the face of death.)

MARY

Then at least give me an honourable death, one that is worthy of the Queen of the Bakery: if it is not too much to ask, I would like to be sconed to death.

ELIZABETH

What do you know of honour? No, it shall be a fishy death for you.

MARY

What? Beheading?

ELIZABETH

Far too dignified. No, we shall employ the ancient rite of crushing. Guard! Hold her!

(The guard grabs hold of her once again, but she struggles for a moment before allowing them to move her.)

MARY

EngLidl! I, Mary Berry, Queen of the Bakery, Queen of the Scones, Mother of Colin the Caterpillars, Baker of Chains, Breaker of Grains, tried to do what was right. And for that, I am silenced. Remember me!

ELIZABETH

Enough! Lay her down.

(The guard forces her to the ground and makes her lie down while the Mob cheers. The steward walks forward and places the tins of tuna on Mary’s chest. They step back into place, and everything dies down once again.

ELIZABETH (CONT.)

And now… we wait.

(A few moments of silence.)

STEWARD

(whispering)

My Lady, this may take a whale.

(Blackout; everyone leaves the stage in the darkness. Suddenly, there’s a scream from offstage, and Kid 2 runs back onstage, as the two spotlights from the opening scene turn back on again.)

KID 2

(terrified)

I thought you were joking about skeletons!

(Kid 1 runs on as he says his line.)

KID 1

(terrified)

I was! I didn’t think there’d actually be any!

KID 2

That was horrible! I want to go home!

KID 1

Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay. We’ll leave.

KID 2

Did you see its ribcage?

(Pause.)

KID 1

Yeah.

KID 2

It looked like it had been crushed.

KID 1

You don’t think…

KID 2

I think.

KID 1 AND 2

(unison)

Mary, Queen of Scones.

KID 2

So this was the Tuna Queen’s queendom.

KID 1

No way… I didn’t think that story was real.

(Pause.)

KID 2

I don’t like this, let’s get out of here.

(Kid 2 quickly runs back down the aisles and exits at the back of the theatre again. Kid 1 has one last look around, and just as they’re about to follow after Kid 2, the intercom goes off again, this time distorted and distant, as if it hasn’t been used in a very long time. Kid 1 hears it before stepping off the stage, and stops dead in his tracks.)

INTERCOM

(crackling)

Bing… bong… tuna…

(Kid 1 looks terrified for a moment before fleeing the stage. Blackout.)